Snapchatting me every day. Texting me all night.
There were a few red flags, but I made excuses for them because I loved the attention so much. He seemed like a good guy, so I let that be all that mattered. I avoided digging too deep into his beliefs because, well, if I found out something that wasn’t good I would have to face a hard decision. It was easier not to. What you know can’t hurt you, right? I asked God whether or not it was a good idea to get involved with him, but I wasn’t really open to any answer other than “yes.”
Have you ever been there?
The truth is, deep down I knew it wasn’t a great idea. Just because he was a good guy didn’t mean I was ready for a relationship. I knew I wasn’t. But I let it keep going anyways.
It was one of those situations where he was the guy every girl seemed to want. He had made his rounds, too. But this time, he chose me. It felt so good. All of those girls, yet he somehow wanted me. I could tell from the beginning that he wanted me for the wrong reasons, but there were so many good qualities mixed in there too, so it evened out – or so I told myself.
I fell for him hard and fast. It was the kind of thing where you are three weeks into it and feel like you’re head over heels. How does that happen so fast?! All of a sudden he was all I could think about. Every time it would take him a while to Snapchat or text me back I wondered what he was doing. Was there another girl? Was he doing this with every girl? Was I pretty enough? I stalked his ex-girlfriends and compared myself to every aspect, only to then feel bad about myself because I was determined to find the ways they were “better” than me. There were a few that I used to make myself feel better.
Anyways, soon after I was completely head over heels, it suddenly ended. He decided he wasn’t interested and he dropped me – just like that. What? It had seemed so perfect…he said all of the right things…I thought he felt the same way I did? I had given him everything he seemed to want, what happened?
By that point, I was in too deep not to feel the sting of rejection. He didn’t want me. That must mean I’m not pretty enough. I’m not fun enough. I’m too insecure. Maybe if I had ______ he would want me. Automatically my brain debated the different ways I could make myself “better” so he would want me.
Not only did he not want me, he wanted nothing to do with me. Completely stopped talking to me. The rejection hurt. It hurt a lot.
I realized I had done it again. I had put all of my security and self-worth in a guy. WHEN am I going to learn?! I was so mad at myself. WHAT was I thinking?
Well, I wasn’t thinking, I was seeking. I was searching for something to fill some deep needs.
I wanted to be fought for
I wanted to be enough
I wanted to be protected
And just like so many times before, I wasn’t.
Also like so many times before, God was so patient and loving. He swooped in as soon as I let Him. And you know what He did? He reminded me that He has everything I am seeking in a guy. And He wants to give it to me so I don’t have to be dependent on things and people that never leave me feeling whole.
Jesus shows us what it really means to be loved and pursued. He died on a cross for us – he died for us. And we let guys who don’t even want to give up a Friday night for us define our worth. The ones who avoid putting us in their stories so they can keep the relationship low-key in case there are other options are the ones we let make or break our self-esteem.
We have been fought for. We are fought for every day. We are protected in ways we can’t even see or understand. I was enough to die for. You were enough to die for. And we still are.
A few things to remember:
- Jesus does not judge us for our past, and he doesn’t run from our brokenness.
- He isn’t afraid of our messiness. We will never be too much for Him.
- He wants to protect us. And He can. That doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen but it does means that when they do happen, we always have someone to run to who will always be right there.
- We are enough because He paid the ultimate price – his life. It’s impossible for us NOT to be enough because that price was paid regardless of whether or not we even accept it, and someone not recognizing that value doesn’t change it.
Regardless of whether or not we have that earthly love, if we can choose to accept the love on the one who created it in the first place, we can ensure that we don’t crumble every time a relationship does.
“God is love…This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they’ve done to our relationship with God.” 1 John 4:9
I love y’all!